The Wind

 I see the light.

I look to the horizon and I see these pathways of light, sky to the ocean trough the clouds. Simple things but it does look like magic. 

There are 3 men close to me, they arent talking.  I am so happy they are in silence, at the same time I am thinking that if I was in a group of 3 would be so weird to be in silence. 

I am trying to ask the ocean in front of me wise questions. But I am having some problems elaborating those questions. 

Then I look at the coffee that I am drinking and I imagine all the wonders, all the question marks that are now in the air screaming and jumping.

The men started talking, its a language I dont understand. Where is home for them? Its 1000 kms away? 5000 kms away? 10000 kms away? Or maybe they dont really know where home is, just like me.

The waves do sounds that I can hear from far away, it can be smoothing or it can be stressful. It doesnt depend on the sound, it depends on our mood.

I have been talking nonsense for awhile now. And I know why. Having to express directly what I feel is overwhelming.

I dont want to make logic of all of this. I dont want to question the future, I dont want to feel insecure, anxious either lost.

Many times I just want to be. 

I just want to forget I have a mind. I want to stop planning and wondering. I want to pick something and go. I want to believe that it doesnt really matter where we go or what we do. In the end we have in our hands the power to change stuff along the way into whatever we want.

Humanity is complex. I wish I was the wind.

AR

Proud

Agora que finalmente tenho um pouco de tempo para parar e pensar acho quase inacreditável o que fiz neste ano e meio.

O início da pandemia foi muito difícil para praticamente todas as pessoas, quase toda a gente chorou, atirou-se para o chão e ficou sem saber o que fazer. A vida mudou bastante.

Depois de ter perdido o trabalho como guia turística que era já o trabalho que me definia como pessoa, tentei criar um website. Eu que não percebo nada de websites, programação, etc. Aprendi bastante. Aprendi também que arriscar, mesmo que por vezes não dê certo, é realmente importante para pelo menos sabermos que tentámos.

Dei aulas de inglês, o que foi bastante interessante. E ensinou-me também muito.

Tive aulas de canto, o que me relembrou que é essencial não nos esquecermos de fazer o que gostamos, de continuar com hobbies, de investir em actividades que nos fazem felizes.

Começar a trabalhar na área da saúde foi, no início, estranho. Nitidamente não era o meu mundo. O que mais me deixa orgulhosa de mim própria é ter conseguido adaptar-me sem perder a minha identidade.

Depois de mais duas mudanças de trabalho e uma mudança de casa e de cidade, apesar de cansada sei agora que tenho uma capacidade enorme para lidar com o caos que é a vida.

Publicar um livro foi uma daquelas coisas que ainda não consigo acreditar a 100% que aconteceu. Apesar de saber que é incrível, ainda não acho que valorizei o feito como devia. 

Tudo isto aconteceu no meio de uma pandemia. 

Só queria deixar escrito o quão orgulhosa estou de mim própria. Safei-me bem. Fiquei sem o meu trabalho de sonho, vivi sozinha praticamente este tempo todo, tive uns últimos meses de merda e mesmo assim, fuck, I achieved million things and I am still here full of ideas for the future. So I might not know what I want to do after this but I know it will be okay because I can overcome anything. And this is empowerment, this is courage, this is energy and will to do more and continue doing more everyday.

Life is much more than this but if you sit on the couch and do nothing about it, yes life will be nothing for the rest of your days.

Dito isto, estou pronta para dizer adeus à pandemia e continuar a viver muito. Não sei viver de outra maneira.

AR

The taste of a poem

The moon whispers,

Sounds that I can't understand.

Peace, I force the peace to come in,

I let the window open, close the door,

My mouth moves, 

Silence is what comes out.

I hear a question, I erase the question.

Going for a swim,

to forget.

Close my eyes,

to forget.

To forget.

To remember,

Memories, smells, the touch, the sounds,

Of far away lands.

Was I happy?

Blurry.

It's all so blurry.

It was real, I know it was.

I grab those memories,

I force them to stay.

They sit with me at the table.

We have long conversations,

We dont sleep,

There is so much to say.

There is?

Does it matter?

To whom?

The music starts,

I forget.

And I close my eyes...

 

AR

Goodbye

 To all the souls to whom I connected or will connect in the future:

I love you all. I may love you in a hidden way, I might never tell you that I loved our moments. I dont expect anything from you. Not now, not never. But I will also not run after you. Unless I need to see you one more time and make sure that it was real.

Real. It's a strange word. It has been a strange word for a while now. It's difficult to know what is still real.

The sun shines outside and has been shining the whole day, I can't help and ask myself what the hell am I doing in the dark?

But here I am. Standing still. Waiting for a sign. A sign that it is okay to move on. That is okay to say goodbye again. That everything will be alright. We have been saying that too much these days. But my "everything will be alright" is different from the others because it has nothing to do with this virus. The virus changed many things, but didn't change the reason why I still have to say to myself that "everything will be alright".

After more than a year not much have changed. In the surface everything is different but deep down I am still that lost soul, building a path to everywhere and nowhere, smiling and waving and still saying, too often, goodbye.

AR

In your skin

It's interesting because first my intention with you was of desire but then when I heard you talk about your love towards someone else, it was so pure, so genuine that I forgot my feelings. I could only picture you and your desires, I merged into your skin, I felt your love and I smiled. There was magic in your eyes. So I forgot that I exist, I erased myself. And, damn, I was happy. I was so happy for you. 

I didnt feel anymore as you were an object of desire. You became energy. The good one.  I now can only respect you and see you as part of myself. But not in a romantic way. In a spiritual way, if that makes sense.

I live for these moments. I absorve them all. Because I never felt the same way. I dont know what true love is. And fuck its beautiful. I have seen it in your eyes. I am so thankful for that. For now that has to be enough. Carry on beautiful soul, carry on.

AR

Overcoming

 If this would had happen a while ago I would have felt misplaced. I would have felt sad, empty and odd. But I am not the same person I was a couple of years ago. I built structure, I have been building a personality that even though is full of black holes, abysses and question marks is, now, more stable than ever. So I know what I want, most of the times. I can handle feelings and people better, because I have been living so many experiences that I have the tools to deal with a bunch of complex situations. 

I wished many times that I would be a bit more like everyone else. That I would fall in love easily like everyone else. That I would settle with whoever appears in front of me just because that is what society thinks we should do.

So often I felt out of place and had this idea that I didnt belong. Still, I didnt change. I dont want to change. I do love me for who I am. And until it makes sense to love somebody like I love myself I will stay in my world, in my beautiful, magical, funny, crazy and unique world. We dont really need company in life. What we really need is passion for living, peace of mind and a open heart for who or whatever comes.

Life is short indeed, we should not accept anything less than pure magic. 

AR

Thoughts of a dreaming soul

 I struggle. I struggle to find the balance. It bothers me that I dont have dreams. It bothers me that I dont know what I want to do with the future. At the same time I know that that has been my salvation. I know that the things that annoy me the most are exactly the things that are my essence and that saved me so many times.

It is nice to see life as I see it in this exact moment: everything is possible. I have always been quite happy with having all doors open. That is maybe a lie. Having so many doors it's been a problem. Even though maybe a good problem.

Nothing is concrete and clear, everything has two or more sides. We are not exactly what we are, we are more and bigger than ourselves.

The magic of life... We forget about it. We dont want to believe in it. We turn our backs at it. I dont want to be like everyone else. Never wished to be like everyone else.

I keep being a bit off, a bit odd, a bit out of place, a bit loud, a bit too honest, a bit too much. Because I know that one day it will make sense. I feel it in my skin that already does. 

I know that real life can be like a dream because I almost touched so many of those dreams; they were almost mine. I believe I will be able to embrace it someday, smile and say: So this is it?    

I know I will want more. Will you too?

AR