The taste of a poem

The moon whispers,

Sounds that I can't understand.

Peace, I force the peace to come in,

I let the window open, close the door,

My mouth moves, 

Silence is what comes out.

I hear a question, I erase the question.

Going for a swim,

to forget.

Close my eyes,

to forget.

To forget.

To remember,

Memories, smells, the touch, the sounds,

Of far away lands.

Was I happy?

Blurry.

It's all so blurry.

It was real, I know it was.

I grab those memories,

I force them to stay.

They sit with me at the table.

We have long conversations,

We dont sleep,

There is so much to say.

There is?

Does it matter?

To whom?

The music starts,

I forget.

And I close my eyes...

 

AR

Goodbye

 To all the souls to whom I connected or will connect in the future:

I love you all. I may love you in a hidden way, I might never tell you that I loved our moments. I dont expect anything from you. Not now, not never. But I will also not run after you. Unless I need to see you one more time and make sure that it was real.

Real. It's a strange word. It has been a strange word for a while now. It's difficult to know what is still real.

The sun shines outside and has been shining the whole day, I can't help and ask myself what the hell am I doing in the dark?

But here I am. Standing still. Waiting for a sign. A sign that it is okay to move on. That is okay to say goodbye again. That everything will be alright. We have been saying that too much these days. But my "everything will be alright" is different from the others because it has nothing to do with this virus. The virus changed many things, but didn't change the reason why I still have to say to myself that "everything will be alright".

After more than a year not much have changed. In the surface everything is different but deep down I am still that lost soul, building a path to everywhere and nowhere, smiling and waving and still saying, too often, goodbye.

AR

In your skin

It's interesting because first my intention with you was of desire but then when I heard you talk about your love towards someone else, it was so pure, so genuine that I forgot my feelings. I could only picture you and your desires, I merged into your skin, I felt your love and I smiled. There was magic in your eyes. So I forgot that I exist, I erased myself. And, damn, I was happy. I was so happy for you. 

I didnt feel anymore as you were an object of desire. You became energy. The good one.  I now can only respect you and see you as part of myself. But not in a romantic way. In a spiritual way, if that makes sense.

I live for these moments. I absorve them all. Because I never felt the same way. I dont know what true love is. And fuck its beautiful. I have seen it in your eyes. I am so thankful for that. For now that has to be enough. Carry on beautiful soul, carry on.

AR

Overcoming

 If this would had happen a while ago I would have felt misplaced. I would have felt sad, empty and odd. But I am not the same person I was a couple of years ago. I built structure, I have been building a personality that even though is full of black holes, abysses and question marks is, now, more stable than ever. So I know what I want, most of the times. I can handle feelings and people better, because I have been living so many experiences that I have the tools to deal with a bunch of complex situations. 

I wished many times that I would be a bit more like everyone else. That I would fall in love easily like everyone else. That I would settle with whoever appears in front of me just because that is what society thinks we should do.

So often I felt out of place and had this idea that I didnt belong. Still, I didnt change. I dont want to change. I do love me for who I am. And until it makes sense to love somebody like I love myself I will stay in my world, in my beautiful, magical, funny, crazy and unique world. We dont really need company in life. What we really need is passion for living, peace of mind and a open heart for who or whatever comes.

Life is short indeed, we should not accept anything less than pure magic. 

AR

Thoughts of a dreaming soul

 I struggle. I struggle to find the balance. It bothers me that I dont have dreams. It bothers me that I dont know what I want to do with the future. At the same time I know that that has been my salvation. I know that the things that annoy me the most are exactly the things that are my essence and that saved me so many times.

It is nice to see life as I see it in this exact moment: everything is possible. I have always been quite happy with having all doors open. That is maybe a lie. Having so many doors it's been a problem. Even though maybe a good problem.

Nothing is concrete and clear, everything has two or more sides. We are not exactly what we are, we are more and bigger than ourselves.

The magic of life... We forget about it. We dont want to believe in it. We turn our backs at it. I dont want to be like everyone else. Never wished to be like everyone else.

I keep being a bit off, a bit odd, a bit out of place, a bit loud, a bit too honest, a bit too much. Because I know that one day it will make sense. I feel it in my skin that already does. 

I know that real life can be like a dream because I almost touched so many of those dreams; they were almost mine. I believe I will be able to embrace it someday, smile and say: So this is it?    

I know I will want more. Will you too?

AR

Sobre o que poderia ter sido

 

Amar é para alguns tão fácil. Para mim sempre foi um labirinto misterioso.

No entanto, é fácil para mim reconhecer carinho, olhar alguém e sorrir, sentir algo. Empatia, ou um je ne se quoi.

Tenho tendência para viver o momento sem acreditar que aquele momento vai-se prolongar. No fundo, sinto que desisto do sentimento antes sequer de sentir, desisto das pessoas antes de as conhecer. No entanto, sempre soube viver os momentos, nunca desisti dos momentos.

É estranho quando chego à conclusão da quantidade de vezes que houve a oportunidade de encontrar o amor.

Podia ter sido. E hoje vejo-me a imaginar todos os caminhos possíveis na estrada para o amor.

Poderia ter sido, porém, não foi.

É interessante que penso que se visse muitos deles amanhã, sorriria da mesma forma que a primeira vez.

Então… talvez, os tenha amado a todos um bocadinho. Talvez saiba mais sobre o que é o amor do que muitas outras pessoas. Talvez não tenha desistido, simplesmente arrumei as caixas cuidadosamente, dei-lhes um beijo e sussurrei “até um dia” e segui caminho até ao próximo mundo novo, com intenção de o amar também.

A pausa

Estar vivo hoje é um dilema.

Este ano tem sido um desafio a vários níveis. Tem havido mais reflexão do que é costume. Coloquei em cima da mesa tudo o que fui, sou, serei e tudo o que tenho vivido. Após reflectir, cheguei à conclusão que há 4 anos renasci. Há 4 anos tive a coragem de começar a vida que sempre sonhei. Há 4 anos tudo mudou radicalmente. Hoje, olhando para trás, não reconheço inteiramente a pessoa que era antes da Índia. 

Tenho pensando muito no quanto mudei, o quanto começar a viajar tornou-me mais na pessoa que almejo em ser.

Viajar, conhecer pessoas, falar línguas diferentes, ver lugares pela primeira vez, cheirar um lugar novo pela primeira vez, sentir o toque, seja do que for, pela primeira vez, é mais importante do que eu pensava. É, agora, quase essencial à minha alma. Viajar veio colmatar tudo aquilo que me faltava. Tantas vezes foi o que me salvou do vazio. Muitas pessoas casam-se e têm filhos, as viagens tornaram-se a minha outra metade, o meu trunfo, a minha âncora, a minha essência.

Vive-se intensamente enquanto se viaja, o desconhecido deixa-nos alertas, sentimo-nos mais vivos, pois tudo à nossa volta é novo, sentimo-nos crianças a deslumbrar-nos com a beleza do mundo. É dessas sensações que tenho saudades. 

Vivemos num dilema. E enquanto antes a minha reacção era sempre fugir, agora não posso. Vendo-me numa rotina não me sinto ainda presa, como me senti antes. Não me sinto ainda a sufocar, como me senti antes. Porém, há em mim uma pequena insatisfação, aquela que sempre esteve presente. Aquela que não me deixa estar bem em lado nenhum, aquela que me grita ao ouvido: mexe-te. Aquela que dá comigo em doida desde que me lembro de existir.

À parte de tudo isto, só queria deixar escrito o quanto sou uma pessoa melhor desde que comecei a viajar e o quão sou feliz quando penso nas oportunidades que tive nos últimos anos e tudo o que conquistei, aprendi, fui e vivi. 

Tem sido tão bom que 2020 não me fere, 2020 não me afecta. Tudo o que tenho feito enche-me de tal forma que esta pausa da vida como a conhecíamos não me dilacera. Relativizo e penso: terei outros anos. 

E é com esse pensamento que tenho ficado quietinha, aguardando o após, pacientemente, como só uma alma em paz pode e sabe fazer.

 AR