I've been wondering what has been missing. And it stroked me fast as a lightning bolt. I never felt I needed rainbows, babies, stars and butterflies. Even though it has been clear that I need at least the sensation of the possibility. Sometimes not one but many. All at once. All the possibilities that can fit in one's mind and soul... How many would that be?
There are moments where I get lost in people's eyes. I navigate them, and look for something that is beyond words. Maybe many people get scared with the way I look at them, it's possible that I am trying to get to a part of them that they don't want to show. It's possible that I have been asking too much of everyone around me.
On the other day, in between stories, I found at least somebody that makes the uncomfortable questions. At least their eyes were present, at least for a couple of hours I felt seen. Although, when I go back to it in my memory I remember my eyes everywhere, almost like not knowing how to navigate the same channel as before. Because trying to get lost in somebody's eyes can be painful, can be a maze where we dont know if we will find the way out. So on the other day, I didnt get too lost. I realized that now I am the one that is scared. My eyes rolled everywhere, they wanted to see everything around because if I am still aware of all around me, I can't get too lost.
Part of me is content, the other part of me disappointed. Part of me understands and comforts me, the other part of myself gives me a slap and whispers: "Don't run away from the raw person you are, the only way to truly live is to be your truest version, even when it hurts."
AR
